Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Breaking the Silence

Where to begin?!?!  I've never wanted to use my blog as a place to whine.  Keep it upbeat!  It helps me focus on the positive things in my life.  Well....that theory has led to 6 months of near silence as I've meandered through trials.  So in an effort to start again, let's get the whining over with!

We've had some rough times and it feels never-ending.  I've never made a very great pregnant person and this baby #4 is definitely testing me to my physical and emotional limits.  I feel like we've been in survival mode for far too long.  I had a couple months that were better but they landed on the holidays so have come and gone too quickly.  Now we're into the final trimester...9 weeks to go.  Everything hurts and there's too much to do.  There's just not enough space for that baby and I'm feeling it already!  I never have enough energy for the endless list of to-dos!  I feel so old and will be happy to be at the other end of these 9 months!

At our 20 week ultra sound we found out that there might be some complications with our little lady.  I've been going for regular ultra sounds ever since.  Her head is far too little but her body measures normal.  This led to a laundry list of possibilities that we might be facing.  It was a little bit of an emotional roller coaster to deal with what might be.  I'm grateful that it sent me to my knees more than ever in my life!  I've learned a lot.  In December we had our own little Christmas miracle when one of the ultrasounds showed that her head size had grown leaps and bounds.  She still wasn't completely caught up but out of the "danger zone".  Gratitude!  We'll still hold our breath and utter more prayers than I can count until we hold her in our arms, but I feel hopeful, at peace, and ready for whatever may be.

My list of daily accomplishments has shrunk in the past 6 months but I'm grateful for how that keeps us focused on the most important things in life!  I've gone through various phases of not being able to cope with my own kids and wondering why I've chosen my path to being so very happy that I have 3 (almost 4) little girls to teach me how to be better and share the journey of life with.  These difficult times demand that you step up to the plate in ways you never thought you could.  I'm happy to say that I'm coming out of this a kinder and more patient momma--which was much needed growth for me!

There's a little poem that I have on my fridge:

If I had my child to raise all over again, 
I'd build self-esteem first, and the house later. 

I'd finger-paint more, and point the finger less. 

I would do less correcting and more connecting. 
I'd take my eyes off my watch, and watch with my eyes. 

I'd take more hikes and fly more kites. 
I'd stop playing serious, and seriously play. 

I would run through more fields and gaze at more stars. 
I'd do more hugging and less tugging.

- Diane Loomans

This poem made me mad at first!  I thought...well then who does the endless hours of cleaning and cooking and shopping and chauffeuring, and how do you end up with disciplined and responsible children???  It sounds nice...but how do you really walk that line?  I feel like after years of struggling to find my comfortable balance of love and discipline in parenting I am getting closer to what feels right for me.  Thank-goodness for a patient and loving husband and daddy that has helped me to chill and learn that "life is to be enjoyed, not just endured!" (-Hinckley).  It feels good to feel more comfortable in motherhood and enjoy my kids more...I hope it lasts!

I may attempt to do a speedy catch-up but mostly I think I'll just pick up from here and see what happens.  I have decided that blogging keeps my finger trigger-happy on my camera and without that motivation it just seems like too much effort to grab the I'm excited to start snapping again!

1 comment:

Aim Aug said...

OH JaNae! I'm so sorry. I've been wondering if we should/could have another baby in our future, and every time I see or hear about the trials of pregnancy, it brings me to tears. I just don't know if my body can handle one more. I am so excited for your new little girl. She is being sent into an amazing family with an AMAZING mother. You have four very blessed babies. I'm so glad you had a little vent on your blog. I love that poem. So glad #4 is well and wonderful. Can't wait to see pics of her! Love you!